Multiple choice:

Proper Response to Prank Door Bell Ringing Occurring During Working Hours:

1) Blame the special neighbor next door;
2) Were there Jehovah Witnesses @ Plymouth Rock?
3) Wonder why your paper's still being delivered after you've planned on discontinuing service.

Two People Draw for Poetry:

1) You're in Russia;
2) You're not paying dues to the Teacher's Union;
3) They're aphasic crash test dummy replacements.

"This hat isn't going to work" Passing Comment from an Encroaching Stranger:

1) Must be a settler;
2) You're wearing a hat;
3) You're not wearing a hat.